The 3 Fastest Ways to End Your Pastor’s Ministry

Google+
Editor’s note: This post is filled with satire and a touch of sarcasm. Please read it through that lens. Although I shouldn’t have to put up this disclaimer, I feel compelled to do so.

With statistics giving us insanely unbelievable numbers about pastors leaving the ministry at record paces due to factors like out-right sin, burnout or contention in their church, with the same statistics showing that fifty percent of pastors’ marriages will eventually end in divorce, with…Wait, that means that between you and your next door neighbor who also goes to church, one of your pastors will eventually get a divorce.

Before you read any further, please stop for a moment and pray for your pastor. He needs it. I’m not trying to elevate him to the idyllic and unrealistic level of perfect catholic sainthood. He’s a man similar to about 3.5 billion others on the planet. But neither should you diminish his enormous spiritual responsibility to watch over your soul. He’s unique because he’s your pastor. He’s important because he’s your pastor.

You probably want him to have a long and productive ministry in the church. I hope that you want him to officiate your kids’ weddings, to be by the bedside of a loved one who is crossing over that river Jordan. I hope that you wish his family peace and seek to truly be a blessing to his under appreciated wife and his highly scrutinized kids.

But if I’ve greatly overestimated your love and compassion and, if to you, he looks a whole lot better going than coming, I’ll give you a few hints about how to accomplish that. They’re pretty simple and they’re time tested. Here they are:

The 3 Fastest Ways to End Your Pastor’s Ministry

I won’t guarantee their one-hundred percent effectiveness because not all pastors are made up of the same stuff. Some are old school. Some, if the majority of the church is fortunate and you happen to be one of the unlucky few, will stick out the lean cow years. They’ll hang around through the Gideon revivals when more people leave than stay. They’ll take a biblical stand and trench in for more than a fortnight, like the greatest generation fighting off the Nazis and liberating Europe.

But if you’re looking for a pretty reliable strategy to the next step of satisfying your itching ears by heaping to yourself teachers that will bend like a beautiful palm, then go no further. Today, you’ll have the answers for which you’ve been searching. Yes, if it’s a shepherd that you’ve got but a hireling that you want, you’ve come to the right place.

Ignore his preaching.

So as not to be uncovered too quickly as the cancer you are, you can pretend to pay attention while he’s passionately urging you to live a godly life. You don’t want to appear too disinterested and overly contrarian right away because he’ll just write you off. Instead, belittle his counsel by asking him his opinion and then doing the exact opposite of what he recommends. This seems to be especially effective if he gives you good biblical advice. If you’re going to go all in and you really want him gone, get a divorce, abandon your family or have an affair. Make sure that you do it only after having gone to your pastor for help.

DespairCreative Commons License Lloyd Morgan via Compfight

Nothing is more discouraging to a preacher than to study, pray, write and generally prepare himself for days, to give you what he’s convinced is God’s message only for you to yawn and go, “Ok. ‘Ppreciate it.” Keep in mind that ignoring your pastor’s teaching, given that it is sound doctrine, carries with it detrimental consequences. God’s not mocked. Whatever you dish out, you’ll eventually have to take. Whatever you sow, you’ll also reap. It’s the law of the harvest and for you it’ll be maddeningly inflexible.

Resist his vision.

Do everything you can to oppose him as a leader. Do everything you can to oppose the direction that he would like to take the church. Again, it’s probably better if you do it privately. You don’t want to be exposed and run the risk of of the church withdrawing from you. That’s what Paul told the church in Thessalonica to do. He told them to withdraw from anyone that walked “disorderly.” See, God literally hates it when people sow discord among the brethren. But, no pain, no gain, right? If you want your pastor gone, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices. Doing things under wraps like this, resisting his vision like this seems to sow the most discord. In the same vein, whenever you have everyday conversations with him, say stuff like, “Pastor, instead of doing it the way you proposed, I was thinking that it might be better if we do it this way…” He’ll most likely go home bewildered and discouraged.

Now, you’re well on your way to driving him to look for a secular job at this point. He’s about to join 1499 other pastors this month who will leave the ministry. Without a doubt, he’s among the seventy percent of pastors who constantly fight depression. Keep in mind there’s one more step that you need to take to finish the job.

Be a busybody.

Waste his time on trivial stuff because you don’t have anything better to do. Drain all of his energy so he can’t pray…or doesn’t want to pray. Suck out all of his drive so he can’t prepare the messages for which the rest of the church so desperately longs. Call other church members and add fuel to the fire about some petty personal preference you have in the church. Stir it up good. It could be about interior design. It could be about a long-standing but unbiblical tradition that the pastor opposes. Make sure that you reference some other well known ministry that holds to said tradition so as to foster a spirit of competition. This also serves to the lead the pastor into feelings of inadequacy and occupies his mind with thoughts of failure.

Your pastor is not Spurgeon. He’s not as successful of an evangelist as DL Moody. Remind him of that. He doesn’t get invited to speak at big conferences and he’s probably never been published. If you want him gone, subtly point all this out while following the steps above and he’ll be gone before you know it.

About the Author

Michael Andrzejewski

Michael Andrzejewski is a missionary in western Europe who loves to share his stories. An introvert by nature, he swims upstream while struggling to pastor cross-culturally. Passionate about both the Gospel and football, he constantly searches for really good sushi.

  • Wow. So true and very close to home. My husband is one of the most patient men in the world. At times when I would have thought was a clear sign that God was wanting us to leave a church my husband says it’s not time. He has taken a second job, requested that our church cut his salary in half to help our family’s budget because we couldn’t afford his salary. Then he has taken personal attacks of his character and threatened by a elderly member to a fight. But you missed one thing that my husband said he wouldn’t take. If any of our church members says anything bad about me then he would have a problem. That would be the straw to break the pastor’s back. So don’t tell our church members that or they might just try it.

    • No, Anastacia, I won’t tell them that. Yet, in less than 15 years in the ministry we’ve seen a lot. I applaud you and your husband for your commitment to the gospel and to Christ – in spite of all the attacks from within the church. May He get glory and honor through you.

    • No, Anastacia, I won’t tell them that. Yet, in less than 15 years in the ministry we’ve seen a lot. I applaud you and your husband for your commitment to the gospel and to Christ – in spite of all the attacks from within the church. May He get glory and honor through you.

      • Thanks. A lot of people don’t understand. I really do appreciate this post. It had to take some bravery or some righteous anger for you to write it. 🙂

  • Johnny Crumpton

    Stay in the fight and keep the faith for our rewards are heavenly bound.

    Thanks for this word. We are closing in on three years at our church, one that had a reputation in the county as being a preacher eating church. Well there have been multiple attempts but Jesus finally pulled all their teeth. Not to mention I just leave a bad taste in their mouth because I not only know who I am but whose I am. We finally are seeing the light although it is still a little over the horizon. God is good and as far as what you have shared…it is right on. Amen goes there!

    We have decided to stay as long as God wills and yes we are even going to love the preacher eaters. I figure its like eating the prized pig now…some are still a little hungry but don’t want to lose the investment of the good things God is doing.

    It breaks my heart when I hear of Pastors being forced out of the church. Shouldn’t happen at all. Therefore we should be in prayer for those who have received the call to Pastor God’s churches. Pray indeed for there may come a time when the sheep will find themselves without a shepherd for good.

    Blessings

    Bro Johnny
    Hebrew 4:12

    • We’re good Bro. Johnny. Next month will be six for us in Portugal, but I think we should get double credit for each year on the mission field! I’m glad to hear about the victories the Lord has given you. Praying for you guys. Thanks for stopping by, and be sure to signup for the updates so you can download the ebook. I think you’d enjoy it.

  • DangerousMuffin

    I don’t say this in a spirit of disliking or disagreeing with or nitpicking your article, because I definitely agree with it: but the correct word in context is actually “sow” not “sew.” Sowing refers to seeding or planting and sewing to stitching. I wouldn’t mention it except I found it distracted me from your main message and I know it will distract other OCD people like me. Keep writing, brother.

    • Thank you very much DangerousMuffin! You learn something everyday. I honestly did not realize the difference. Feel free to stop back by anytime and teach me!

  • Laura Hodges Poole

    Very true on all points, Michael. From a writer’s perspective, I often wonder if my pastor gets depressed doing all that preparation and then looking out on the congregation of people chatting or looking disinterested (not all, of course), or worse yet, not applying his message to their lives. An encouraging word is easy to speak as you leave the church. So many folks probably don’t even realize how much it would mean to their pastor.

    • Laura, from a pastor’s perspective I would say that it is not a question whether he gets depressed it is how often he does. You may say depressed, you may say discouraged, you may say downtrodden. They’re really all the same. And, you’re right, many people don’t realize how far a kind word or gesture goes. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

  • Eva Maria Nielsen

    I am a Deacons wife, working in the catholic church and we have been responsible in congregations and now als teachers and in evangelisation. It’s the same everyvery, the same emotions! And the same vision! Thanks for sharing!

  • Janette

    There are a lot of good pastors out there who have been hurt. But those who have destroyed their ministry and/or confidence through the means mentioned above and others, need to wake up to how they have hurt the whole body of the church. God does not look favorably on those actions. If we’d only read God’s Word, we would know that these things are wrong!

    I pray God will bless the hurting pastors with blessing beyond their belief!

    My 18 year old son has been called to preach and I pray for his ministry now, I know he has many hurdles to cross in his future.

    Thanks for your posts!